upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
