So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
