You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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