Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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