Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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