You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
