Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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