well I can't set my house on fire every night
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
