I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I supernannyed him into submission
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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