Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
