Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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