If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
