I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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