So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
