I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
