why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
