The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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