I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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