I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
