After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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