you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
