I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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