You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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