Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
