I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
