My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
