I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
