Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How naked do you want me to be?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
