is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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