he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
