Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
