i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
