I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
