what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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