The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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