i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
