Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
