I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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