Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
