i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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