I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
