did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
