Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
