sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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