i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
