sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
