I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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