sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
