Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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