Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
